


Just Three Things

by Winklepicker



Series: Kylux Congeries [11]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack and Angst, Crack and Smut, Crangst, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, couple's therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-07 14:15:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19211107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winklepicker/pseuds/Winklepicker
Summary: For DaisyFairy, who quite rightly said they hadn’t finished their counselling session yet.





	1. Just Three Things

It was a new First Order-wide requirement, compulsory therapy for couples who were colleagues. Kylo briefly considered a ban on all fraternising but as Supreme Leader he felt he would have had to lead by example. 

He mentioned it once—only as a thought experiment—and Hux had yelled at him for forty-seven minutes straight. Kylo tried counting how many breaths Hux took in between his shoutings but he couldn’t find the spaces.

Still, he wanted to lead his minions—did he say minions, he meant staff—fairly and justly. And so therapy it was. Including Hux and himself.

What Hux thought of Kylo’s scheme was apparent by taking a quick glance at the General. Eyes rolling at every opportunity, arms folded, loud huffing, and stubborn refusal to even acknowledge Kylo’s presence.

“General, sir, Hux, sir, would you like to face Lord Ren?”

“I’m infinitely happier facing this grey undecorated wall, thank you.”

Pana Arben never asked for this. She’d happened to be in the med bay spot-welding a droid when the Supreme Leader walked in demanding an audience with the ship’s counsellor. 

Not waiting for an answer he’d taken her by the elbow, ignoring her insistence that she had three other droids to look after before her shift ended, that she could walk quite well on her own thank you very much, and what on Shalm was a counsellor? 

And so here she was, flashing four questioning eyes at Kylo who shrugged and gestured for her to continue. She squared her shoulders and forged on.

“Perhaps, General, you could think of three things that made you realise you loved Lord Ren?”

Hux made a rude pfff.

“Please, General, just three things,” she pleaded, before muttering under her breath, _“then we can all go home.”_

Hux closed his eyes. He’d heard that. Home would be wonderful right now. Home would be lovely. Home was where his cupboard was and he would very much like to be in there with his fluffy pink blanket and a biscuit to gum on. 

“Fine,” he snapped, “three things. Fine! One,” he stuck his middle finger up at Kylo who pouted, “his stupid hair gets all over my clothes and I don’t even care.” 

Kylo’s face lit up for a whole second before Hux’s index finger joined the other in a two-fingered salute.

“Two, the day his big dumb face made that lost puppy look and I no longer felt the desire to punch him. Three…” 

Kylo folded his arms and turned away. 

This time it was Hux whose face dropped from a self-satisfied scowl to compunction with a hint of self-loathing. He abandoned his count. Instead he put his hand to better use, as a hesitant visitor on Kylo’s shoulder. 

Kylo shrugged it off with a violent jerk and shifted away even further.

“General?” Pana’s four eyes stared in panic at the two men, hoping she would be dismissed and saved from further torture.

A deflated Hux turned contrite eyes to Kylo’s back, his hand still reaching out. He drew it back and folded his hands in his lap his head bowed, and him cowed. He took a deep breath, let it out in a sigh and then took another. 

“He forgives me far too freely, far too quickly. Even when I don’t apologise. Even when I don’t deserve it. _Especially_ when I don’t deserve it.” He sighed again. “And I hardly ever deserve it. I certainly don’t deserve him.”

Every molecule in the air screeched to a halt for the barest of zeptoseconds. It felt like being pulled inside out, being seasoned with chilli flakes, and put back the right way—just for a zeptosecond.

Pana blinked. On her this looked like a tiny eyeball quartet clapping silently and out of sync. She wished herself anywhere but here. 

Kylo peeked over his shoulder, his brows flinging themselves into concerned puppy mode upon seeing Hux’s hunched form. 

“My sweet paprika honey, no.” He swivelled around—his leather trousers squawking a hideous melody on the sofa—and cupped Hux’s face, forcing him to look up at him. “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.”

Three of Pana’s four eyes rolled in their sockets. The other one, terrified of being demoted to the ship’s bowels, hissed at them to stop it at once before _those two_ saw.

“No,” Hux turned his head away. “I’m a horror, a villain, a monster. I should support you and help you in your endeavours, no matter how idiotic I think they are. Instead I snipe and snipe and snipe… You ought to do me with your lightsaber.”

Pana wondered how fast she could make it to the exit, measuring the distance in her head.

Kylo was having none of Hux’s self-flagellation. If anyone was going to flagellate Hux it would be him, in the bedroom, with that pretty silver and blue riding crop he’d gotten for their anniversary. He forced Hux to face him once again and in a blackstrap molasses voice said, “I have another kind of saber I’d like to do you with. In my pants.”

A bubble of bile burped up Pana’s throat. She slapped her hand over her mouth.

Hux’s face rippled through five and a half emotions, the half interrupted by a hiccup. “Oh, Kylo, my raven wings of desire, forgive me.” He balled his fists against Kylo’s chest and let out a wail worthy of a fourth-rate Saturday matinee melodrama.

Pana’s lunch threatened to join the bile in an exodus from her body.

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Kylo growled before diving in to catch Hux’s lips in a very hungry and disturbingly wet kiss.

Hux launched his gangly body into Kylo’s lap, hooking both his arms and one leg around Kylo’s neck, and the two of them set about attempting to out do each other in a face devouring competition.

Pana gagged and turned away. She did not want to see this. She did not want to hear this. She did not want to know this. She wanted to get back to mending her droids and enjoying an after-shift drink with the rest of the techies. 

Up she got, slowly, quietly, as quietly as she could, and snuck toward the door. She slipped out, gently closing the door, leaving the General and the Supreme Leader to their overly moist mating ritual.


	2. Three More Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For DaisyFairy, who quite rightly said they hadn’t finished their counselling session yet.

Pana Arben was lying on her creeper, working under a shuttle, when she felt a pair of hands grab her shoulders and slide her out.

She squinted all four eyes at the bright lights shining down from the ceiling until a merciful shadow fell over her.

“Aaaaaaaaaaah!” she screamed. But she didn’t. That scream was in her head, at least she hoped it was since she was staring at the upside-down face of the Supreme Leader.

“There you are. Alright,” he clapped his enormous gloved paws once, “let’s go.” He heaved his impressive frame up and began striding away, calling over his shoulder, “Come on, come on.”

Pana scramble-roll-slid off the creeper and staggered to her feet. “Sir?” She whipped around for help but where before had been a bustle of activity, now was a barren echoing silence. Every tech in the landing bay was suddenly, conveniently, and invisibly busy.

The Supreme Leader was also disappearing down a corridor with his cloak flapping, like a rippling shadow creature. With corners. Pana broke into a jog, the spiracles along the sides of her torso widening to take in more air.

She found Kylo waiting for her in front of a very familiar looking door. When she reached him, he bent at the knees and grinned like a maniac an inch from her face. His breath smelled of rain and fire.

“He’s in here!”

“Who, sir?” She had a bad feeling about this.

“Huxxy Wuxxy of course.” Kylo paused before opening the door. He turned his head back. “Maybe don’t tell anyone I called him that.”

The room sparked a memory she had tried so hard to burn into oblivion over the last few days—Corellian rum is very helpful in these matters. Now here they were again, all that work coming to naught. The same grey walls. The same ginger general sitting on the same sickly pale yellow sofa.

Kylo ushered her in, told her to sit. He sat next to Hux who put away the data pad he’d been poking about on, shuffled closer, took Kylo’s hand in both of his and settled them on his thigh. 

“Ready baby?”

Hux booped Kylo’s grand nose with a twinkle in his eye. “As I’ll ever be my sugar-titted sweetie.”

They both looked to Pana expectantly who switched her gaze from one to the other. “Sirs?”

“You have to ask the thing,” Kylo said.

“Yes. Yes,” said Hux. “He has to do me now.”

“I thought he already did, sir,” Pana frowned, trying not to think of all the bulges that had come to her attention when Hux had hooked his leg around Kylo’s neck the last time. She had no interest in any of the General’s bulges and she did not want to be subjected to the sight of them ever again.

“No, no. He still has to tell me his three things. Don’t you, my veil of midnight shnookums?”

They gazed into each other’s eyes like two lunatics in love. Conveniently, that’s exactly what they were.

Kylo nodded, his face plastered with a besotted smile. They both turned to her again, waiting.

“But, sirs, you employed real counsellors last week.”

“Yes, but you’re _our_ counsellor.” Hux and Kylo laughed and shook their heads indulgently, as though speaking to a child. “Shall we begin?”

Pana’s eyes—all of them—glazed over. Just get it over with, she thought. Get it done, get out, apply for reconditioning.

Her mouth made sounds that she hoped were something along the lines of, “Supreme Leader, would you like to tell the General three things that made you realise you were in love with him?” She hoped that’s what she said given her mind was screaming, why me, no really, universe, why me?

“Okay!” Kylo bounced on his bottom with excitement. “Number one. That time he was riding me. And he took me down to the root. And he told me I was a very good boy for hitting his prostate every single time. And even though he was the one in charge and was using me like a toy and he was the one hitting his own prostate he still said I was a very good boy. That was really sweet of him.”

Kylo simpered. Pana smiled tightly and said nothing. There was nothing she could say. If she opened her mouth the contents of her stomach would burst forth and she didn’t want to draw attention to herself.

“There he was, bouncing up and down and up and down, and suddenly—you remember ginger bee—he had an epiphany for an equation that would increase the fire-power of Starkiller by 5000%.”

Pana laughed a hysterical laugh. Was this the same point or a separate one? Stars she hoped it was point number two.

“He said I’d fucked the answer right into him with my big beautiful cock, he said. That’s what you said.” He pecked Hux’s lips and rubbed their noses together.

“I did, my sweet murder knight of darkness and honey.” Hux gave him a peck in return. “And it is. Big and beautiful.”

Pana’s face tried to scrunch into itself. Maybe if she scrunched hard enough she could swallow herself and disappear.

“Oh! Here’s a good one. Number two.”

Oh kriff! That was only the first one.

“When the base was crumbling and he came to find me. And I saw the shuttle land. And the ramp shhwoomp-khzzed open. And he marched down towards me, all tall and handsome, with smoke and fire billowing behind him like he was some kind of fire lord. And I pretended I was passed out but really I was watching him the whole time. And he was so commanding and sexy, telling the stormtroopers what to do. And when they picked me up and carried me on board, Hux took my hand. And he pretended he was taking my pulse, but I could sense his thoughts. And his thoughts were thinking, wow, his hands are so big. I hope he lives so I can find out how many fingers he can fit inside me. You remember that honey fire? That was the first time I thought, damn, I think he’s the one.”

“Oh!” Hux clutched at his heart. “You never told me that!” He swooped in to nuzzle at Kylo’s neck and then nibbled his earlobe.

Maybe a few reconditioning sessions, Pana thought. Really get into all those nooks and crannies of her brain. Scrub them right out.

“And it wasn’t long after that I found out exactly how many of those enormous fingers you can fit inside me.” Hux gnawed at his bottom lip and seared Kylo from beneath feathered gold eyelashes.

“Kriff my ass, you’re delicious,” Kylo panted.

The air crackled. Pana would have needed a laser to cut through the gaze between them. But if she had a laser she would used it to escape first. Her only escape however was a swift and safe end to this nonsense. “Ahem,” she ahem-ed.

“I’m going to do very naughty things all over every inch of that exquisite body of yours very very soon,” Hux whispered, his throat hoarse with desire and his eyes roving.

“I’m going to take every one of those naughty things you do to me. I’m going to lick them all up, spit them out, slick them all over my big beautiful dick, and feed them right back to you.”

“NUMBERTHREESUPREMELEADER!” Pana screamed. It was not inside her head this time.

If she needed a laser to cut through the air, her scream certainly did nothing. Though somehow, something registered. 

Kylo was crawling over Hux, pushing his red-haired flame down flat on the sofa and spreading his legs open like a book. “Number three is right here.” Kylo rubbed his face along the bulge between Hux’s thighs.

Bulge. Oh no. No. Not the bulges. Pana closed her eyes. One of them squinted open but the other three bullied it closed again.

“You like number three?” Hux hummed and arched his neck back, thrust his hips up, panting when Kylo opened his mouth wide and breathed hot and moist through the trouser fabric.

Pana clapped her hands over her ears and shook her head. Nonononono!

“I love number three.” Kylo fumbled for the clasps on Hux’s trousers with one hand while his other tried to dig into his own. “Number three is my favourite. I’m going to swallow three down until three fills my belly for dinner and then I’m going to...”

But what Kylo was going to, Pana never find out. It was drowned out by her high pitched scream as she flung herself out the door and ran, still screaming, to the furthest ends of the ship and signed herself up for a transfer to another ship, and a full body cleanse.

**Author's Note:**

> I clicked on notes. I've nothing to say. HELLO TO THE VOID...
> 
>  
> 
> _hello_
> 
>  
> 
> _ello_
> 
> _ello_
> 
> _lo_
> 
> _o_


End file.
